My Sunshine Thoughts

My middle name is Sunshine. No, my parents weren’t hippies… I was born on a cold February day in Fairbanks, Alaska. My mother said that it was unseasonably sunny the day that she went into labor. While she sat in the car waiting for my dad she faced the sun and closed her eyes to soak in the warm light while it was -20 F outside the car door. In that moment she decided that my name should embody that feeling. The warm relief of sun on your face after a long, hard, cold winter.

Growing up I saw my mom do this very thing more times than I can count. She would close her eyes and face the sun, like a sunflower trying to soak in every last ray. I have this picture of her so clearly in my mind. Her face lit up and glowing, with the slightest smile on her mouth. Pure joy, she always embraced the feeling of being alive entirely.

Remembering someone who has passed away is a funny thing… Your experience of them is complete, but your memory and perception of them changes as you grow and mature, get married, have babies. They become this evolving force that teaches you something different in every season of your life. If we are being honest here, I have been without her for so long that it almost feels like she was never real. A ghost. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to have a mother at the age of 26. I look at my peers who complain about their overbearing moms and I want to scream. The things that I would give to ask my mom her opinion about even the little things in my life. For her to debate my husband, or read my son a bedtime story. But she never will, and that’s the terrible, wonderful, bittersweet thing about life.

How can I be mad when I am so thankful that it was her? She was the person that God chose to love me. I am so unbelievably grateful that I had her for 19 years, and yet so entirely devastated that I only had her for 19 years. But while I grieve the fact that she is gone from this life, I celebrate the fact that she left an immense mark on me… She is always with me in that way. How could she not be? She shaped me, mentored me, encouraged me, supported me, sacrificed for me, protected me, laughed with me, prayed for me, and so much more. She did all of this in more ways then I know, or ever will know. She poured herself out just to fill my cup, to make sure I had what I needed. She did this constantly and consistently throughout my entire life with her. The only reason I am who I am today is because of the sacrifices she made, the love she poured out.

So, lately that is the most consistent image I have of her in my mind. Sun shining, eyes closed, face tilted toward the sky. She has the slightest smile, and she knows that the sunshine warm against her skin can soothe some of life’s hardest challenges. My experience of her in this life is complete, yet in this image of her I feel as though she has taught me something new. To close my eyes, face the light, take a breath, and allow joy to seep in.

So, in honor of her, these are my sunshine thoughts.

Z